My Everything
by o0o-vicki-o0o
Summary: Paige never quite moved on from losing him… And now she still finds herself thinking of him constantly… Will it ever be okay?
1. Chapter 1

Paige sat alone in the kitchen, sipping aimlessly at her coffee. She was unaware of anything around her.

Her mind couldn't think of anything else but him, as usual. He took up most of her thoughts and then during the times when she wasn't thinking about him, he took up her dreams too.

She hated him for the way he'd left, the way he'd accepted it… but no, she didn't.

She didn't hate him at all.

She hated herself, she hated herself for giving up, for failing him when he _was _alive and then for letting him go without a fight. She sighed and rested her head in her hands.

It had been weeks since she'd actually had a good night's sleep. She'd become some kind of insomniac, too scared to go to sleep, to scared to be flooded by the dreams and memories of what was.

She couldn't face it, what it was, was perfect and now it was just a distant memory of something that would never be.

She felt like screaming, or breaking down into tears, both a regular action nowadays. But she couldn't just break down now; she couldn't show anyone that kind of weakness, mostly she wanted to stay strong for herself – she never broke down.

Paige was so deep in thought she was totally unaware of Phoebe entering the kitchen.

"Morning Paige" Phoebe said, grabbing a mug of coffee.

Paige made a small noise, still staring into the depths of the coffee.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" Phoebe asked gently.

_No. No I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for the past month. I will never be okay with the fact that I lost the love of my life to something I desperately wanted to believe was good, even though I didn't really lose him. _

And that's what made it worse.

He wasn't dead, that would make things much easier.

If he was she could just accept that, and eventually move on but now, now she knew he was still out there, alive, but she still couldn't be with him.

She'd spend the rest of her life knowing he's still out there.

She took a deep breathe, no-one should wish their boyfriend was dead just so they can move on. She felt angry at herself. Of course she didn't wish he was dead, he didn't deserve to die after all he'd been living for, everything he'd fought for with such passion. She just wished she could be with him.

Phoebe was still looking at her intently. Paige could feel her brown eyes boring into her.

Of course, she _could_ tell Phoebe, she _could_ tell her about all the pain, all the lonely nights she'd cried herself to sleep wishing he was there…

But she wouldn't.

She wouldn't allow herself to talk about it, not with her sisters. It was something she'd keep locked up forever if she had to.

And anyway her sisters had assumed she'd moved on.

Well maybe _they_ could, after all they were used to such deaths and although Paige had been a witch for three years now and she had lost innocents, he was more than just an innocent and she hadn't just lost him – she had failed him.

She could have listened to him.

She could have believed him.

She could have saved him. She _should _have saved him.

But she'd just been thinking about herself. About how Utopia would affect her and her sisters.

She felt tears stinging alarmingly in her eyes... No way was she about to cry.

"I'm fine" she said quickly, letting go of her coffee. "Tired… just tired… I'm gonna go get some rest" she said all in one breathe, determined to escape the suspicious glances from Phoebe, desperate to get away from everyone. She left a confused and startled Phoebe alone.

Paige allowed herself to break down in the safety of her room. Tears came streaming freely. All the emotions knotted up inside her let loose.

"I'm sorry..."

Were the only words she could whisper, though they didn't sum up half the things she wanted to say,or half the emotions she felt inside...


	2. Chapter 2

Alone.

That's all she seemed to be.

Maybe she was destined to be alone forever?

She sat alone on her bed and breathed in deeply. She was so tired, so angry, so heartbroken but it didn't matter because feeling these feelings wouldn't bring him back.

Nothing would.

Paige thought for a moment.

She thought about what it would be like to move on, maybe to find someone new; as Piper and Phoebe had been so desperately trying to get her to do.

Maybe there would come a time when she would move on; but would she ever find someone like him?

Brave, understanding, compassionate, caring, strong-minded…

She could list everything about him and smiled slightly as memories floated across her mind.

Why?

The smile faded from her lips and tears returned to her eyes.

Why?

Why, was the question she so desperately wanted an answer to.

The obvious answer was the Avatars.

Why couldn't they have rewound time just that bit further to let him live?

Then there were the Elders.

Why couldn't they just see that they were meant to be together and for once in their life show some damn compassion?

But she'd been thinking and she'd realised that she could blame them forever but were they truly the ones at fault?

She was.

And it haunted her every damn day.

Her eyes fell upon an item on her desk.

A small snow globe.

Anger took over her and she threw it across the room, it hit the wall and landed on the floor with a thud, still unbroken.

She screamed in anger and despair, tears rolling down her cheeks.

She picked up the lamp off the table and threw it too. It smashed against the wall.

She cried. Uncontrollably.

She missed him so much it hurt. She'd completely let herself go.

She had to stop this.

Throwing a tantrum wasn't going to make it any easier.

She wiped away her tears and made her way over to the other side of the bedroom where the mess of her outburst lay.

She sat down and reached for the, thankfully, unharmed snow globe, she didn't even care about the broken glass from the lamp laying around it which scratched her hand and wrist as she reached for it.

She picked up the precious item and looked intently at it.

It had to stop here.

She said quietly, with effort and knowing that it wasn't true;

"It was _not _my fault"

She clenched it in her bleeding hand and cried yet again.

Rocking gently backwards and forwards she repeated to herself over and over again;

"It was _not _my fault"

"You're right. It wasn't" a voice said loudly from the other side of the room.

* * *

**I was gonna leave it as a one-shot but then I got bored and wrote some more. It's not exactly quality stuff huh? Lol she seems more like I mental patient with all the rocking backwards and forwards and muttering to herself hehe. But this isn't just one of those happy go lucky kinda stories. I bet you all think you know who the voice is coming from, go on have a guess. **

**Anyways I'll maybe update more, if it comes to me! **

**Hope you like it and review if you want! xxx**


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